To Lose It All
by xx Easily Distracted xx
Summary: “I have done everything for you! You mean soo much to me, but I won't stand here and watch you push me away damn it! Lily I love you.” Lily shook her head, trying to hide the tears. “I’m sorry, but we’re through.”
1. Chapter 1

_**To Lose It All**_

**Summary: **"What? What do you mean by that?" James grabbed Lily's shoulders, forcing her too look at him. "I have done everything for you! You mean soo much to me, but I wont stand here and watch you push me away damn it! Lily I love you." Lily shook her head, trying to hide the tears. "I'm sorry, but we're through."

**Quote: **_It would hurt...to lose all you had._

_Chapter One: Life Goes On_

The look on his face was one of heart break. The words he wished and hoped he would never have to hear came from her mouth. He stared at her eyes, searching them looking to see if they will be willing to tell him that she is lying, but they didn't. Her usual green eyes that would fire up were cold; the look on her face was blank.

"What? What do you mean by that?" James grabbed Lily's shoulders, forcing her too look up at him. "I have done everything for you! I have changed and given up so much just to be with you! You mean soo much to me, but I wont stand here and watch you push me away damn it! Lily I love you." Lily shook her head, trying to hide the tears, she stared down at the floor, determined not to look him in the eye. "I'm sorry, but we're through." She pushed him away from her and ran out of the apartment.

James watched her go, unable to comprehend what just happened. He stared at the door that was wide open. _How did this happen? We were so happy, what changed? _He sank to the floor; tears were streaming down his face. He placed his head in his hands and cried. _I lost her, and I don't know why._

Six months had passed since the day Lily left without an explanation, and James had been living rough. He had been un-able to go to work for a few days because he felt so weak. He didn't make to any of the Order meetings, because he didn't want to see her. Sirius and Remus had dropped by from time to time to check up on him, but James didn't notice. He didn't notice anyone around him, he went to work, he went home, he barely ate and his appearance was shocking.

His jet black hair was messier than usual, he had dark circles underneath his eyes, his complexion was ghostly pale and his eyes, the eyes that always had a glint of mischief in them and lit up every time he talked, looked dead. They carried a sadness to them that scared anyone who looked at them. He was thin because he barely ate, Sirius had to force feed him for two months before he started to eat on his own.

James felt pathetic, he had been through a series of emotions since the 'break-up'. He felt lost at first, then angry, then depressed, then finally lonely. The feeling of loneliness had hit him hard. At the beginning he had been confident that she would come back, saying she didn't know why she had wanted to break up. But when his denial lifted he couldn't believe that she wasn't home, venting about some ridiculous accusation her boss made about her, or sitting on the couch, wearing anything that was laying around, reading a book. He couldn't believe that she wasn't going to give him a welcome home kiss, sit and listed to his day at work.

The apartment was covered in memories of her; the apartment that they had bought together, after her parents had died. That was when he had promised that he would always be there for her, that the day he left her, would be the day he died. He was planning on proposing soon after they bought the apartment. He had already ordered a ring, told the jewelers to keep it there until he came to get it, he didn't want Lily to see it, not until he had asked her, but if he got it now, it would only serve as a reminder of what could have been.

"James? Mate, you there?" Sirius's voice drifted through the apartment.

"Yeah, in here." James's voice came from the study. James had spend most of the time in there, that was the one place were the thought of Lily didn't haunt him because she never spend much time in there. It was James's sanctuary in the house of hell he lived in. He was starring out the window when Sirius walked in.

"Good news, someone wants to buy the apartment."

James turned to look at his friend. There was a small smile on his face.

"That's great, when will they come to look at the apartment?"

"I thought that I should let you decide." Sirius replied shrugging.

"Honestly, the sooner the better I think. I want to get out of here." James was feeling slightly good about the news. He could finally out all that has happened behind him. Sirius had offered James a place at his apartment, just until he found his footing again.

James was a wreck when Sirius first heard about what happened. James kept on blaming himself, and it killed Sirius to see him like that. Sirius constantly heard James saying things like 'I drove her away', or, 'I wasn't there for her.'

Sirius felt betrayed by Lily, when she left James the way she did. Without as much as a reason why, she walked away. They had become close friends while Lily and James were dating, and he still could not understand why she did what she did. He went and saw her a month after she left James, she was staying at her friends place, he went to her and asked her to at least give a reason. But she refused, and when Sirius started to demand that she explained her actions, she yelled at him and slammed the door in his face.

He never hated a person more after that encounter.

He hadn't seen her at Order meeting. He came to the conclusion that she was avoiding him, not James but him. Probably scared that he was going to corner her.

"Glad to here it mate! I couldn't agree more."

James walked out of the room and went to the kitchen. He was feeling good, for the first time in months. He felt like his old self again. He was over and done crying over Lily Evans. He will find someone else, someone who won't break him, someone who will love and actually care for him. What's done is done, in the past and nothing more than a memory. Life goes on, and he was going to enjoy every minute of it.

**There is the first chapter! If you guys could please tell me if I should continue that would be great!**

**Leave your reviews, and I am not sure how I will continue.**

**I got the idea and couldn't shake it, I have my plot figured out and everything,**

**I just find it hard to take a scene in my head, and put it down on a piece of paper. **

**Also sorry for those of you who love long chapters…I tried my hardest.**

**So please leave a review, some criticism isn't un-welcomed!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**To Lose It All**_

**Summary: **"What? What do you mean by that?" James grabbed Lily's shoulders, forcing her too look at him. "I have done everything for you! You mean soo much to me, but I wont stand here and watch you push me away damn it! Lily I love you." Lily shook her head, trying to hide the tears. "I'm sorry, but we're through."

**Disclaimer**I don't know J.K (personally), I am not related to her, I don't look like her, so why would you think I am her???

The sounds around her slowly died away, the feeling of pain that she had been experiencing went numb. Her ability to speak didn't work at the time. All she did was stare, she could smell he fresh blood, it sickened her. She saw the mangled thing, lying there, staring at her as if it was her fault. But it was her fault, wasn't it? Death had come; she was unfortunate enough to have to witness it. She didn't notice the tears that were falling from her face, nor the sobbing that racked her body. All she could concentrate on was to stare. The pain slowly returned, but at first, it wasn't her body. No, her heart was the first thing to get attacked. It was throbbing in her chest, each pounding movement felt as if her heart was being pierced with a sharp, cold, metal tool.

'_This pain is nothing.'_ She thought. _'Compared to what he has to go through.'_

Then she saw him, standing right in front of her. The look on his face said betrayal. He blamed her; she saw it in his beautiful, hazel eyes. She reached for him, but he shook his head and left her. She cried out to him, but he didn't come back. She tried to stand up, but the pain was too much. Instead, she shook her head vigorously, her red hair sticking to her face from the sweat and tears. Then she cried out once more, a hand was placed on her shoulders, the women were trying to calm her. She fought against them, yelling and struggling, telling them to let her go. In one final effort, she sat up, and in that instant, the scene changed. Lily was in her room, at the apartment that she was sharing with her friend. She looked around, instead of seeing elderly women; she saw wardrobes, book shelves, tables and chairs. Her room was dark, the only light coming from the half moon, shining through the window. Lily took deep breaths, to calm her down, but nothing worked. She saw the nightmare playing over and over again in her head. She gave up, she put her head on the palms of her hands, and then, slowly, her body succumbed to the sobs that she was trying to hold in.

Time passed really slowly since she left James. Everyday was like living a nightmare, a nightmare she was trapped in and had no hope of escaping. The guilt killed her slowly, day by day, she was less like the Lily people knew.

Her friend, Mary, watched Lily slowly die away. Though she didn't know why. Lily asked Mary if she could stay with her at her apartment, saying something of a break-up. When Lily arrived, she said that she had left James, for good. In the time they were dating, Lily had never looked happier. Sure they fought, and Lily always threatened to break things off, but she never did. Mary knew that Lily wouldn't be able to, she loved James to much, but when Lily said that the relationship was over, Mary was shocked. Only a few weeks before, Lily said how much she loved James, and how she missed him while he was away on a Order mission.

Lily broke up with him the day he got back, after being away for nearly eight months, was really harsh. But Mary couldn't say no to her friend. Lily didn't give her a reason, and has yet to, and Mary doubts that she will ever get a reason. But she isn't about to pester Lily about it. She wont forget how torn up Lily looked and what a wreck she was when she first came. At the beginning, things were very… different, sharing the apartment, especially with Lily's constant nightmares. Mary had to often wake Lily from her dreams.

Mary would then say that if Lily ever wanted to talk, that she was there, but Lily snapped at her, telling her to sod off and that is wasn't any of her business. After a few months, Mary gave up. She would sometimes stand in the doorway of Lily's room, and watch her friend thrash out with her arms and scream in terror and loss. It killed her to watch and hear the pain Lily was experiencing in her dreams. On one or two occasions, Lily called out to James. Mary knew, the first time she saw Lily reaching out in her sleep, trying to reach something that wasn't there, and calling for him with to much determination, that Lily still loved him.

Four months passed since Lily came to Mary's apartment, and Lily looked horrid. She was pale and her eyes were dull. Mary was scared for her friend, sure she bathed and ate, but her eyes frightened Mary. They looked haunted; the life that was once very obvious in her eyes had died away. Lily went out, and went to work and the occasional lunch 'date' with some of her friends.

Though she didn't go to any order meetings.

Dumbledore had come to visit Lily , to inform her of the meetings, though that was an excuse. He had wanted to see how she was, after seeing Sirius mad at the meetings, and there was no sign of James. When her saw Lily, his heart nearly stopped. Her green eyes were so sad, haunted and terrified. He talked to her for a while. Her voice was emotionless, and it tore Dumbledore up inside to see one of his old students like that, especially the fiery Lily Evans.

So out of love and care he had for her, he send her out on a mission.

Lily looked very skeptical, at first. But Dumbledore talked her into it. He was convinced that she needed piece of mind, she needed to go away from everything she knew, and go somewhere peaceful.

Lily took the offer, she understood what he was trying to do, and was grateful.

A week after that, Lily was packed and ready to go to Venice. Dumbledore gave Lily a few names of countries who weren't under the threat of Lord Voldemort.

Lily got her things ready, said good-bye to Mary and took the Portkey that Dumbledore organized for her.

In a flash, she was gone.

_**Hello everyone! Thank you to those who reviewed! I am really grateful. **_

_**And I am very sorry that I didn't update sooner, let us just say that I had no idea what to write next. But I finally got an idea from watching fullmetal alchemist, weird I know.**_

_**If you have any questions, please ask. What do you think of Lily? I made her out to be a real bitch in the first chapter, but know everyone knows that she isn't exactly having the time of her life. Sorry if the beginning of the chapter was a bit graphic, I made my friend read the chapter before I put it on the site, and she was a bit shocked at how I approached it. **_

_**Please review, I rather enjoy getting them!**_


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